The Leadership Secret Nobody Talks About: Why Letting Go Actually Makes You Stronger
The Leadership Secret Nobody Talks About: Why Letting Go Actually Makes You Stronger
Reflecting on what I've been learning about presence, control, and the gentle courage of authentic leadership
In my last reflection, I shared some thoughts about the "let them" leadership mindset—exploring how stepping back might actually create space for teams to flourish. Today, I find myself sitting with something deeper: the fascinating neuroscience behind why letting go isn't just a strategy, but perhaps a biological pathway to more authentic leadership.
Integration is the key to resilience. When we learn to honor the different parts of our inner experience without becoming overwhelmed, we create the possibility of choosing our response rather than being driven by our reactions. — Dr. Dan Siegel
I keep returning to our conversation about creating space for others to grow and contribute. What I've been discovering is that there's actual science behind why this approach feels so different—and why it seems to work in ways that traditional control-based leadership doesn't.
The Window Where Authentic Presence Lives
I've been learning about something called the "window of tolerance"—a concept from Dr. Dan Siegel's work that has been quietly reshaping how I understand leadership presence.
Imagine your nervous system as having this optimal zone where you can be fully present—neither overwhelmed by stress nor disconnected from what's happening around you. It's that space where you can notice what's actually occurring, both within yourself and with others, without being hijacked by your reactions.
Our brains have this remarkable system for responding to pressure and uncertainty. When we're within our window of tolerance, we can think clearly, connect authentically, and respond rather than react. But when we're pushed beyond that window, something interesting happens:
When We Get Pushed Too High Everything feels urgent. Our thinking becomes narrow. We might find ourselves trying to control more, manage more, direct more—as if we could somehow think our way back to safety.
When We Shut Down Too Much We might withdraw, feel disconnected, or find ourselves going through the motions without really being present. Sometimes this looks like perfectionism or endless planning—staying busy to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
I've noticed both of these patterns in my own leadership journey. The times when I've gripped too tightly to outcomes, or when I've detached so much that I wasn't really available to my team.
What I've Been Learning About Release
Here's what continues to surprise me: the most effective leaders I've observed seem to understand something counterintuitive about control. It's not that they don't care about outcomes—they care deeply. But they've learned to hold their intentions lightly.
This isn't about giving up or being passive. It's about something more nuanced—staying present and responsive rather than reactive and controlling.
When I reflect on my own experience, the times when I've been most effective as a leader haven't been when I had everything figured out. They've been when I could stay present with uncertainty, when I could hold space for others to contribute their thinking, when I could notice my own reactions without being driven by them.
The Science Behind Staying Present
What I find fascinating is that when we learn to expand our capacity to stay present under pressure, we're literally changing how our brains respond to stress. We're developing what researchers call resilience—not as toughness, but as flexibility.
This kind of presence seems to create something researchers call psychological safety. When people feel safe to think, to contribute, to even make mistakes, they bring more of themselves to their work. They innovate more. They solve problems more creatively.
I've been noticing this in my own leadership: when I can stay present with my own uncertainty, others seem more willing to share their authentic thinking. When I can acknowledge what I don't know, space opens for others to contribute what they do know.
What This Might Mean for How We Lead
I've been exploring some gentle practices that seem to help me stay more present, particularly during challenging moments:
Paying Attention to Breathing Not as a technique to control anything, but as a way of noticing where I am. When I notice my breath becoming shallow, it often signals that I'm moving outside my window of tolerance.
Practicing the Pause Before responding to challenging situations, I've been experimenting with taking a moment to notice what I'm feeling and what might be driving my impulse to react. This isn't about suppressing reactions—it's about creating space to choose my response.
Getting Curious About Control When I notice myself wanting to direct or manage more, I've been asking myself: "What am I afraid will happen if I don't control this?" Sometimes the answer reveals fears that aren't actually grounded in current reality.
The Courage of Authentic Leadership
What I keep discovering is that leadership isn't about being someone who never gets overwhelmed or uncertain. It's about being authentic with our humanity while staying present with others.
When we can show our teams that it's possible to be human—to feel uncertainty without being driven by it, to care deeply without controlling tightly—we model something powerful. We demonstrate that strength isn't about having all the answers, but about staying present with the questions.
This kind of authenticity seems to create permission for others to be human too. And when people can bring their full selves to their work—including their uncertainty, their creativity, their different ways of thinking—remarkable things seem to become possible.
What I Keep Returning To
Releasing control doesn't mean giving up care or intention. It means staying present with what's actually happening rather than being driven by what we fear might happen.
It means honoring both our commitment to outcomes and our willingness to remain open to how those outcomes might emerge.
Most importantly, it means recognizing that our capacity to stay present under pressure—to remain authentically ourselves while holding space for others—might be one of the most valuable things we can offer as leaders.
An Ongoing Reflection
These thoughts come from my own continuing exploration of what authentic leadership might look like when grounded in presence rather than control. I share them not as someone who has mastered these practices, but as someone who continues to find value in reflecting on them.
The science behind staying present is fascinating, but what moves me most is how this approach seems to honor both our humanity and our capacity to create meaningful change together.
If these reflections resonate with your own leadership journey, I'd be curious to hear what you've been noticing about the relationship between presence and authentic influence.
Until our next reflection,
Sherri Hillie
Walking alongside you in this exploration of authentic leadership
A Note on Science and Experience
The insights I've shared here draw from neuroscience research, particularly the work of Dr. Dan Siegel on the window of tolerance and Dr. Deb Dana's applications of Polyvagal Theory. I offer these reflections as someone interested in how research might inform authentic leadership practice, not as a mental health professional. If you're experiencing persistent stress or seeking support for mental health challenges, please consider consulting with a qualified professional.
Sources for Further Reflection
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy
Hölzel, B. K., et al. (2011). Perspectives on Psychological Science
