Triggered
What happens when a workplace relationship puts you on edge, and how noticing the pattern can create more room for choice.
Narcissist. Conniving. Dangerous.
Those were the words a former client once used to describe their boss.
Every conversation with this person left them agitated. Sometimes the interaction itself was difficult. Other times, nothing particularly dramatic happened.
But the reaction was still there.
At the heart of it, they didn't feel safe in the relationship. And so even seemingly benign interactions could put them on edge.
This was a high performer. Sharp. Experienced. Someone accustomed to managing complexity for a living.
And yet something about this relationship was costing them professionally.
They knew it.
They just couldn't seem to stop it.
Can you relate?
I know I can.
The American Psychological Association defines a trigger simply as a stimulus that elicits a reaction, including an event that brings up a past experience and accompanying emotional arousal.
That definition is useful.
But at work, the more interesting question may be:
Why can certain people and situations affect us so strongly, even when we know reacting isn't in our best interest?
One useful lens is the SCARF® Model, developed by Dr. David Rock.
SCARF identifies five domains of social experience that can be associated with threat or reward responses:
Status. Certainty. Autonomy. Relatedness. Fairness.
When something feels threatened in one or more of these areas, it can influence our attention, emotions and behavior. SCARF isn't a diagnosis or an explanation for every workplace reaction. I think of it as a framework for becoming curious about what may be happening beneath one.
Go deeper
THE SCARF MODEL
Explore the five domains and how they can help you examine workplace experiences more clearly.
Back to that boss
When I looked at my former client's situation through the SCARF lens, several things stood out.
Status was involved. They didn't feel respected or valued.
Certainty was shaky. They never knew what version of their boss they were walking into or how an interaction might unfold.
And autonomy felt limited. Decisions they believed they owned could be questioned, scrutinized or reversed.
That doesn't prove that every interaction with the boss was threatening.
It does help explain why my client could enter a conversation already anticipating that something might go wrong.
And anticipation matters.
Sometimes the difficult interaction isn't the only thing we're responding to.
We're also responding to every assumption, expectation and previous experience we're carrying into the room with us.
Catching the trigger
Our minds and bodies are remarkably good at trying to protect us.
Sometimes that protection is useful.
Sometimes the response that gets activated doesn't help us do what we most want to do next.
That's the distinction I'm interested in.
For the purposes of navigating work, I think of a trigger as something that pulls us away from our ability to think or act in our own best interest.
That might look like getting defensive.
Shutting down.
Overexplaining.
Sending the email you probably shouldn't send.
Agreeing to something you don't actually agree with because you want the interaction to end.
Or replaying a five-minute conversation for the next five hours.
The goal isn't to become someone who never gets triggered.
It's to become better at noticing when it's happening.
Because once you notice it, you have more choices about what happens next.
Work gives us plenty of opportunities to practice
Raised tones.
Missed commitments.
Half-truths.
Finger-pointing.
Being talked over.
Being left out.
Just typing those words transports me to third-grade playground dynamics.
And yet many of us encounter versions of these behaviors at work while being expected to remain thoughtful, composed and professional through all of it.
So what do we do when someone else's behavior starts affecting our own?
I had to learn this myself.
The part I was contributing
I once had a colleague who would ruffle me almost every time we met.
Eventually, I realized something uncomfortable.
They may have said or done things that frustrated me, but I was adding stress to the interaction too.
I had developed beliefs about our relationship.
I expected certain behavior before it happened.
I walked into conversations anticipating tension.
And without realizing it, I was sometimes behaving in ways that reinforced the very dynamic I disliked.
Recognizing my part didn't excuse theirs.
It didn't mean the problem was all in my head.
And it didn't magically transform the relationship.
What it did was show me where I still had some agency.
I couldn't control how this person showed up.
I could pay more attention to how I did.
That changed something.
I stopped walking into every interaction already braced for impact.
And that alone changed what was possible between us.
Pause + Reflect
Take Agency Over Your Triggers
You don't have to solve every difficult workplace relationship.
Start by becoming more familiar with what happens to you inside one.
01 · Define your baseline
What does your best state at work actually feel like?
Think about yourself mentally, physically and emotionally.
Be specific.
Maybe you're sharp and focused. You feel grounded in your body. Your breathing is steady. You're ready to engage rather than simply react.
Now choose an image that captures you in that state.
It can be anything.
James Bond walking into a room.
An evergreen tree in a storm.
The ocean before sunrise.
Even Elmo, genuinely unbothered and fully present.
The image isn't magic. It's simply a way to make your baseline easier to remember.
This is how I want to show up.
02 · Notice what pulls you away from it
Think about the people, situations or environments that tend to shift you out of that state.
Ask yourself:
Which interactions reliably put me on edge?
What happens in my body when that occurs?
What thoughts start running through my mind?
What do I tend to say or do next?
What am I assuming about the other person or situation?
What do I actually know?
Then consider the SCARF domains.
Status: Do I feel diminished or undervalued?
Certainty: Am I struggling because I don't know what will happen?
Autonomy: Do I feel that I have little choice or control?
Relatedness: Do I feel excluded, disconnected or unable to trust this person?
Fairness: Does something about the situation feel inequitable?
You may find that several are involved at once.
The purpose isn't to prove that your interpretation is correct.
It's to get more specific about what you're reacting to.
03 · Make a plan before you need one
Look at the week ahead.
Is there a meeting, conversation or person you already know may challenge your baseline?
Decide beforehand what you want to do if you notice yourself moving away from it.
Not what you hope you'll do.
What you have decided you'll do.
Maybe you'll ask a question instead of immediately defending your position.
Maybe you'll take notes before responding.
Maybe you'll request time to think.
Maybe you'll remind yourself:
I don't have enough information yet to know what this means.
Or maybe you'll use something physical to interrupt the momentum of the reaction, such as slowing your breathing.
There is evidence that brief structured breathing practices can affect mood and physiological arousal. In a randomized controlled study, five minutes of daily breathwork over a month was associated with improved mood and reduced anxiety; exhale-focused cyclic sighing also produced a greater reduction in respiratory rate than mindfulness meditation in that study.
The specific strategy matters less than having something you can reach for before you're deep inside the reaction.
The goal isn't to never get triggered
Getting triggered doesn't automatically tell you something about your character.
And noticing your own response doesn't mean excusing someone else's behavior.
Sometimes a workplace really is unhealthy.
Sometimes a relationship really does need stronger boundaries.
Sometimes what you're experiencing is useful information about an environment that needs to change.
Self-awareness isn't about explaining those things away.
It's about being able to distinguish:
What happened.
What I felt.
What I think it means.
What I know.
And what I want to do next.
The goal isn't to eliminate every emotional response.
It's to create a little more space between the moment something happens and the moment you decide how to respond.
That space is where your agency lives.
You may still decide to speak up.
You may still set the boundary.
You may still leave.
But ideally, you're making that choice because you've decided it's the right response, not simply because the trigger made the decision for you.
Do the exercise once.
Then notice what shifts.
